“How can you ever smile, as if your life hadn’t capsized?”

Ok so this one from an English Patient may seem like a very strange post on Christmas Eve but I guess it is quite a good time to reflect on life and the previous year which in all honesty 2015 has been nowhere near fantastic. It has had a hell of a lot more lows than highs, and being off work of the past week and a bit has been pretty fantastic in all honesty. It has given me the much needed time to actually see my friends and catch up with them, the only problem is I cannot then do that every year and only be able to see some people properly at Christmas. Although it has given me quite a few days of enjoyment in all honesty, but shouldn’t life have a good balance all year round and not just for a few days or a week?

This certainly does not feel like the case well any of the time in all honesty. Maybe that should be my plan for 2016, I love the thought of keeping it film related as that is something that I use as an escapism from my very dull work filled life in all honesty. They help me switch off and I have made sure to get myself to the cinema, especially on the worst of days. I am sure a lot of people reading this will do the same with film and that is something that really aids to the enjoyment factor at times. It helps you forget about all of your problems and issues for a few hours, that really is something that each and everyone of us need now. Lifting your head up from your phone and taking something in, entertainment, art call it what you will but it helps. Trust me.

This is another thing that has really hit home this year as well with the loss of my Grandad back in October, it truly was a destroying time and something I struggled with a lot more than I could have ever imagined. Still recently I have been randomly getting myself upset, because that loss matters because the love was real and nothing can ever replace a grandparent. I guess the fact it is our first Christmas (and Boxing Day) without him and I just hate the thought of that in all honesty.

I think this then links very nicely together, but we just don’t think like that at the time. Everything is the end of the world and we focus more on that than what we actually have. We always want that tiny little bit more forgetting about everything that we actually have. I guess that is part of a humans nature to never actually be happy with what they currently have, we always want more money, more friends, more holidays, more laughs, we focus on the more part rather than what follows. As it turns out we probably have a lot more than others so why can’t we just enjoy it? If anyone can actually give me answer to that it really would be fantastic!

I tend to feel like that about people more as I am getting older, like I have no opinion on them at all and totally not bothered what they think about me either. I actually like that I have developed that as if you are obsessed with what people think then you don’t focus on the people who actually matter in your life and who wants to be in it and spend time with you. This is something I think I have neglected though in the past few months, those people who are always there for you no matter what. It doesn’t matter how long ago you saw them or nowadays even text them, you always come full circle in the end. I have been a little concerned though that this will have a time limit eventually. I know that is rather contradicting but I feel like I am leaving more people in 2015 than people I am taking into 2016 with me.

With all of that I have also massively struggled with the above and wondering what my meaning in life is meant to be. Am I actually supposed to do something amazing or just be a normal person doing all the normal things that everyone else does? Buying the same clothes and going to the same places and just doing that year after year? Is that all we are really meant to do? I hope others struggle with that question and wonder if this really is it? I don’t know even when you’re a teenager you think being an adult is going to be amazing, that you’ll know and understand everything as well as have everything you have ever dreamed of and wanted. The sad fact of the matter is you don’t know everything, or have everything. I guess the only thing I actually have that I expected to have as an adult is a car, cannot afford to buy my own house, or want to have kids so what am I actually supposed to do if a family is not something I am interested in?

Maybe that is it? Everything is always going to come down to one person, billions of people on the planet and everything you think about and consumes you will be around one person. How does that even feel like it should be possible. It’s actually terrifying thinking about it like that, one person will influence everything you do (whether they mean to or not) and you do things for them and I really think putting it down like that makes it sound even more mental than it actually needs to be. So on that mind-boggling note I think I will leave it there for now, I don’t know if I am now more confused than when I first started writing this or not. But I guess that sums up not only my thoughts tonight, these past few months or even the whole year . . . Goodnight.

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